I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
