You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
