after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
how drunk are you?
Several
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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