Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
