Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
