I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
