3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
