Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
