Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize