She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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