Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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