Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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