she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
