so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How external is "for external use only"?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
