He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
