I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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