someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
