then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
