She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
