Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
