she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
