your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It was confusing and full of hummus
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
