i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
