no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
