Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
