woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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