we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
