Cold hands, warm shart.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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