My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
