Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
