JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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