I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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