I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You are the jesus of drinking
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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