we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
