i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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