he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
