U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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