fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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