i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
