I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize