Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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