you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
