You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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