he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
