We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
