Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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