if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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