I think my vagina is haunted
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize