if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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