Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
