You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
