So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
