i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
