People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
