clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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