Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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