yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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