i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
