at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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